the two sons of Malek's family had just completed their movie marathon!

oh well maybe i'm lying.

i slept half the time.

haha.

its really difficult to stay awake in the dark.

with the comfy bed etc.

basically today was a healthy day.

erm kind of i think.

went to the gym to build my body.

i'm losing weight so quickly i really need more muscles to counter the loss.

did i mention i hadn't ate a proper meal for 3 days?

i just lost my appetite after all the "life complications".

i better get my appetite back soon or else i just have to gorge food down.

i had been thinking about this.

i felt that, maybe its time for me to be close to my grandma.

i mean never in my life had i been so close to my grandma.

i just hated myself for it.

but sometimes i feel that its because i rarely get to see her.

i remember that time when my grandfather died,

i just sat there.

no grief or sadness plastered on my face.

i was so emotionless.

its like i don't really care if anyone i loved died.

now to think of it, i made the biggest mistake of my life.

i just hate myself.

why am i like that?

is it because i was in primary school so i know nothing about it?

NAH.

no reason for that.

i just suck.

i'm sick of myself.

and i wanna change.

my nenek is already 60+!

i really need to be with her.

especially with the fact that i got a man who behaves like a damn log as a father.

one who won't support anything his child loves.

the one who would think so many times whether to buy his child clothes knowing the fact that his child's wardrobe is fucking empty.

and most of the time, he will just reject the idea of getting me clothes.

and i fucking need to use my own pocket money even though i'm already buying my school necessities using my own bloody pocket money.

and i don't think you fucking know it dad.

i hadn't been eating in school since day 1 cos i just need to save.

I FUCKING NEED TO SAVE BECAUSE I KNOW YOU WON'T BOTHER!

why am i in this world in the first place?

i tried my best in my education to please you.

but what did i get in return?

a fucking attitude?

i wish to mention this again.

and i will say this straight to your face if you ask me this question.

i'll just say, the only thing that made me still wanna live is Mama and Abang Aim.

again, i only respect you.

love? its near to non existence.

one day i wish i could stay with nenek.

i just wanna feel the love i lack.

i just envied people who are close to their grandparents.

how does it feel to be close to your nenek?

it feels really good.

haiz.

life hadn't been tops this few weeks.

but i just gotta prop myself up and pretend nothing bad happened.

cos i just can't let my education get worse due to this.

ok maybe i have to laugh a bit about this.

but sometimes i felt that i really wanted a girlfriend.

this way i can feel at least some love.

and could express my outmost affection.

which i just couldn't experience at home.