just as i thought today would be a great day for me,

my father just made me took a 180 degree turn towards negativity.

it was just because of the headache that i got scolded.

i was like rushing throught the Isyak prayer cos I felt really heavy.

then he thought I'm just plain lazy.

so he just scolded me for all the wrong reason.

as always.

then i kinda tried to defend myself from his scolding.

its kinda my fault too cos i raised my voice a bit,

but i'm just so similar to an amplifier turned to maximum volume.

so my voice kinda reverberated throughout the house.

it was only a slight raising of the voice.

so he got more angry.

i'm sorry about that.

but i won't forget that sentence you blurted out to me, ayah.

if you really want to do it to me, do it.

i don't really want to live anymore with people like you walking around.

did i mention there is no moment that i told myself i adore you?

all these while, its only pure respect from me to you.

maybe a bit of love involved but its pretty near to nonexistant.

but heck,

i can't take this kind of shit anymore.

so i'll just pretend he didn't say it and prop myself up cos its kinda affecting the people around me.

but still i wish i had someone to talk to.

SOMEONE i really trust.

so yeah i'll just shrug it off and force myself to get better.

but it was definitely something that really hit me hard.

and i cried.

i BLOODY CRIED.

as always,

school was really enjoyable with me.

now suddenly i feel home is hell.

its supposed to be heaven i will remind myself sooner or later.

moreover with GEMS today.

i totally cheered up.

i was pretty normal today.

oh sorry to the people who smsed me i didn't reply cos i don't wanna bring my phone just now.

i was acting like a log in the train just now.

i thought of what had been affecting me lately.

so i thought maybe these are the things that were affecting me.

1)Studies. Frankly speaking I feel that getting 3.9 for GPA sucks. Because that's when people start to put high expectations on you. It gets worse when you get a man as a father who just wouldn't appreciate the amount of dedication his child had put into his studies. Sometimes i felt like telling you that I hate you but I'll just get in more trouble so why bother.

2)The people around me. I just don't know why but i kept on comparing myself with other people especially my brother. The thing is i will always lose out when being compared to him. And it just drop my moral. And it sucks. But I feel that I'm just being stupid 'cos at leat I got full limbs and not physically and mentally challenged so I should always be thankful to GOD. Maybe there is some hidden meaning why GOD gave me him for a father. I wish I could figure out the "blessing in disguise".

3)I'm afraid to lose people who I really care about. Or maybe specifically...nvm. 

actually there's more but i don't feel typing them out.

and now i just couldn't decide to go for smallbore shooting, air rifle or maybe IPSC.

the good thing about IPSC is tht i can run around shooting things as opposed to shooting while standing or proning.

hmmph i guess i'll just for the club to reply to my mail?